how to not talk to people

sitting with sam is back baby!

Jan 1, 2024

I had an uncomfortable interaction last night. I decided to go the “church” meeting which I grew up in; afterwards was chatting with a friend of my brother’s, lovely guy, let’s call him Paul. Post sermon, I was sitting in one of the chairs in the now empty row, while Paul was standing, slightly to the right in front of me, putting some of his weight against a chair in the row ahead. While we were talking, the villain of today’s story, let’s call him Sean, decided to come up behind me. Sean — we were never particularly close and I hadn’t had any contact with him in literal years — thought it was a good idea to walk up behind me, put his hands on my shoulders (or somewhere around there), lean his head in uncomfortably close from above and behind, and — I could practically smell his breath and feel his stubbly face — start his little lecture.

“I heard you got a job in Munich.” “Yes…” “Be careful who you surround yourself with. Take today’s message* to heart. We’ve spent some good times together, I’d hate for you to[…] You can take my number, you can call me if you want to talk[…] I know some nice brothers and sisters in Munich[…]” I honestly don’t remember what he said exactly, those are approximations, but I do remember his awkward audacity and my discomfort, trying to stay calm and polite while having any semblance of personal space disrespected, and ultimately just waiting for him to leave and for the situation to end. Remember, I had been in the middle of a conversation with Paul, until Sean’s weirdly intimate and totally lost guilt-trip interrupted us. (*The message had included the gospel-warning: salvation, or hell.)

I do understand and can appreciate Sean’s concern, of course, but the medium’s the message, and if your medium sucks, your message suffers. Needless to say, this is not how you talk to people, especially if your goal is to… get them to revert back to your faith? I’m not sure that was his goal honestly, because of his humorously bad attempt; he essentially did everything you’d want to avoid. It kind of smelled more like self-righteousness than an authentic, good-faith attempt at starting a dialogue, but, let’s not assume the worst… after all, don’t attribute to malice what can adequately be explained by ignorance. I guess he’d heard things, I don’t know, that I no longer come to “church” — which is a big deal and truly can’t be overstated in these circles; it’s essentially assumed you’ve given up on everything good and sacred, most of the time without anyone caring to, wait for it, just ask and hear it from the horse’s mouth! — but I doubt he knows anything meaningful about me. He certainly doesn’t know what I think or believe. He didn’t ask a single question during his spiel, which tells you a lot about someone.

It’s kind of wild to me that there are adults out there, grown, married people, who haven’t figured out that to get someone to listen to you, you have to listen to them first. They have to trust, like, or at least respect, you; each of which is earned. I can only imagine how frustrating the communication in-house must be, lol.

So I texted Sean today, because even after sleeping on it and making the ~5.5h trip back to Munich, his approach didn’t sit right with me; he’d crossed a line. Had he asked half as much as he had assumed, I wouldn’t be writing this. And, especially it being a new year and all, I felt it right to tell him my piece, respectfully but clearly, establishing some less easy-to-miss boundaries, should we cross paths again. Who knows, maybe he’ll take my text to heart and it’ll make a future encounter with me or someone else, in which he feels compelled to talk about something similar, more successful. Or maybe I’ve embittered him. I don’t know and I won’t lose sleep over it — I hope he learns from the situation as I have.

In closing, don’t be like “Sean”. It’s really not difficult: Ask a question, listen, some silence is good, and stop trying to control the conversation with an agenda. People smell agendas and there are few things as annoying as an ignorant lecture. Just, be a human being and not an ideological automaton, ffs.

Happy new year!

<3,

Sam